A Letter From My Colon

 Dear Laura,

What’s up!? It’s your colon. Since you’re in remission I’m kind of bored, so I am writing to you to express my gratitude and share some stories. I haven’t been the nicest organ to you. In fact, I’m pretty shitty. Har har har. I have your sense of humor too! You have been very kind to me even when I treat you poorly. So, you are probably very upset with me. But I want to thank you for taking care of me even though I make your life a complete hell factory. I’d like to think of our relationship like a parent and a child. I really annoy you and make you feel like you’re dying everyday but you love me and take care of me anyways.

What do I know about parenting? I’m just a colon. In fact, since we have ulcerative colitis I might even prohibit you from having children! That little girl you always wanted? Maybe you will have her. Maybe you won’t. Or I might just make your pregnancy scary and life threatening. I haven’t decided which route I’ll take yet. But I have plenty of time to decide because you’re so slow on the finding-a-husband thing.

I digress.

First, I want to say I’m sorry for making you constipated when you were a little girl. I thought it would be fun to watch you scream bloody murder with your tiny fists shaking in the air. It was also pretty hilarious to watch mom’s embarrassment when it would happen in public places. My buddy, Rectum, helped too. Thanks dude!

Second, I also want to apologize for that one time one time in Mexico. Remember when you drank a tiny bit of the faucet water with some medicine? Later that night you pooped your pants walking to Senor Frogs. But you didn’t want to tell your whole family. So when you got to the restaurant dad made you pose for a photo with the frog. Senor Frog. In dad’s defense he didn’t know there was poop in your pants. I still have the photo. Oh yeah… and when you finally made it to the bathroom there was no toilet paper. I totally remember that. Do you remember that? I’ll always remember that.

Overall though, I was pretty good to you for at least 25 years. College was a nightmare for me. I mean… I don’t even like alcohol. So, you’re welcome for dealing with that. Stomach is still upset about that Twinkie eating contest senior year.

I would just like to point out that all of your pooping troubles are not really my fault. Sure I am the weakest part of your body. But that’s not my choice! The immune system is to blame. Our immune system is attacking me and I can’t fight back! Tell it to stop.

Thank you for not giving up on us. Thank you for eating clean and taking care of me. If you didn’t make changes I could be gone! The worse I treat you the higher risk you would need to have surgery to remove me. I don’t want that. What would the surgeon do with me? Throw me in the garbage? Where do human organs go after we get disposed of? I don’t want to know.

Since you’ve treated me so well the past year and a half I promise to try not to give you cancer. Everybody says ulcerative colitis, especially the kind you have, puts you at a much higher risk for colon cancer. I don’t want cancer! That’s even scarier than all the ulcers I’ve got.

Please continue to take care of me because I like hanging out with Small Intestine and Rectum. They are my best friends.

Also I really didn’t like that colonoscopy. You know how shy I get on camera.

Love always,
   :

P.S. One more thing; I will give you one tip. It is this: If you have any slight fear that a fart is more than a fart, do NOT let it loose.

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